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My life without you
By Mistress Mikyla


Outside the large bay window, I could see the snow falling gently. It was really piling up this year and I wasn't sure whom I was going to get to shovel the walk and drive for me. That had always been Marcus' job around the house. Well, that and mowing the yard in the summer. Basically, he took care of the yard work and I took care of the house. It had always worked well that way. Now, Marcus was gone and I was left to face it all alone. I wasn't helpless by any means, but damn it, it didn't seem fair to me. I never have liked change much.

It is my own fault he's gone though. I am the one who pushed him away; I'm the one who started the last argument. I am the one who asked him to leave…all because I was jealous of some girl. It isn't even as though I had any sort of claim to Marcus. He was just my roommate, right? But no, he was more. He was my best friend, my constant companion, and my partner in most things. His girlfriends had never bothered me before, but there was something different about Imelia. Something in the way I was no longer a part of the conversation and no longer invited out with them that really cut me deep.

I remember fixing dinner one evening and Marcus inviting Imelia to join us. Nothing seemed unusual about this at first. I am a good cook and love to prepare large meals as often as I can get away with it and Marcus loved to invite his friends over for dinner; he just loved company while I am the quiet one. But that evening, I was isolated. I was unwelcome in my own home and it hurt. As I sat there eating my pasta salad, watching the two of them whisper back and forth, I realized I was in love with Marcus and I had to sit there watching him fall in love with another woman. I still am not sure when I fell in love with him, perhaps the first time I saw him; when he smiled at me from across the produce aisle at the store down the street, but I most definitely was in love with him.

And I also knew without a doubt that I would never try to break the happy couple up. I could not live with Marcus and be in love with him and have to watch him fall more and more in love with someone else, but neither could I cause him the kind of pain breaking them up would cause. He and I had been friends for so damn long, at least it was a long time to me. Five years is a long time when you haven't had a friend since kindergarten and probably not even a boyfriend in six years. I have never been ugly or fat or anything, just very unpopular. To me, there was no shame in it. Truth be told, Marcus was about the only person I could stand to be around longer than ten minutes. We had met while I was still in high school, my senior year. He is two years older, but had some friends still in school. We ran into each other on campus one day and became instant friends, almost inseparable.

Living together after I graduated seemed the next natural step. My parents weren't ecstatic, but as long as I was still in school, they paid my bills. And as I had to continuously remind them, we were just roommates, not a couple. Sure, we cuddled on the couch and had even exchanged a few kisses; we had never actually done anything. I was still a virgin, still am actually, and intended to stay that way. So, I went to school and worked a part time job down at the corner deli while Marcus was a bouncer at the hottest spot in town and sang in a really good band. As far as I was concerned, it was perfect. I was a recluse by nature, but Marcus was able to draw me out a little by holding band practice in the basement of our old four bedroom house and having raging parties on the weekends. Our arrangement gave me a chance to meet people I would never have even looked at before we moved in together, and for once I actually enjoyed being around other people. I couldn't handle too many at once for long periods of time, but I was better.

I even helped the band write songs. We would spend hours pouring over notes, trying to fit my words to the beat or trying to get a good melody going for some words I had put together in my head. I felt like I actually belonged somewhere and for that, I owe Marcus my undying gratitude. And when these heavy metal freaks found out that I, while listening to mostly the same music as them, also enjoyed country and classical, they didn't laugh or call me a freak; they just accepted it as another facet of me. I remember once they caught me playing the old spinet I kept in the living room. I had been so afraid they would make fun of me and instead they gave me the loudest applause I had ever received in my life. It was a wonderful feeling.

But all of a sudden, there I was; the outsider again. Instead of me at band practice, it was Imelia. They laughed at her jokes now. I wasn't invited anywhere anymore and Marcus stopped having parties, telling me that they had found a bigger place to party in Imelia's dad's empty warehouse. It really hurt and I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle it. So I took the only course of action that I was capable of: I pushed Marcus out of my life before I found myself on the outside looking in permanently. As far as I was concerned, I was only bringing about the natural course of events quicker than they would have happened had it not been for me. I reverted back to ignoring everyone, I wouldn't answer the phone or the door, and I was rude and sarcastic to everyone, no matter what they had said. Instead of hanging out in the living room watching Monday night wrestling, I sat in my room blaring the stereo I kept in there. Instead of writing lyrics, I told the band I had better things to do with my time. I don't know why I punished everyone, but I did. There was a soundproof room on the second floor that I had turned into my studio. It was where I wrote and where I drew and where I played both the saxophone and violin. No one, not even Marcus, had known I could play anything other than the piano. Suddenly, I found that a day couldn't go by when I didn't play one or both instruments, usually with the door open; either a haunting piece on the violin or some really depressing blues on the sax.

And it all came to a boiling point the night Marcus brought Imelia to spend the night. Never before had he done something like that. It had never been a question with me, but Marcus had dated - but he had also obeyed some unwritten law against a date spending the night. It's not as though I expected him to remain celibate, I just didn't want him with another woman in "our" house. And when he brought her home that night, I flipped out. I told him that he could not be bringing some cheap piece of ass into my home, no if's and's or but's. And then I proceeded to call Imelia quite a few other names, to her face no less. And Marcus went off the wall. He called me a jealous, dried up bitch and told me I would never amount to anything because I didn't know how to be happy. And I smacked him. And he pushed me. I fell backward down the stairs and ended up going to the hospital. As I lay there on the floor I told him that I expected him and his whore to be gone from my home when I got back. And he was. All of his things were gone. The only things I had left to remind me of him were the small gifts he had bought me over the years for birthdays and holidays. He had even remembered to take his shower things, the sort of stuff I cannot seem to remember for an overnight trip, let alone a permanent vacancy. And I was alone again. Totally and utterly alone - and so completely empty that I ached. I no longer took joy in writing or playing or drawing. I couldn't even read a page of my school books. It is a good thing I have always been an exceptionally good student or I might have been in trouble that semester. I never realized how complete he made me until I was without him. Love has been nothing but a thorn in my side since I was little.

I'll never know now if he even realized that he had brought Imelia to spend the night on my birthday. That I don't think I'll ever be able to enjoy my birthday again. I don't think that he had any clue what day it was, but I'll never know since I don't think he'll be speaking to me anytime soon.

And the days dragged on. Before I knew it, it was Christmas Eve, my first alone. My parents were gone; they had been killed in a car wreck about 18 months after I graduated. I decided against decorating, what was the point? There was nothing to celebrate, no presents to give or receive. No dinner to prepare. I hadn't cooked in a while, there was no one to enjoy my cooking, and I know I never tasted it anymore. I was lost inside this self-built cage and I wasn't sure what to do with myself. It was only 8.30 and I was worn to the bone. I was tired of pretending that I didn't care, tired of hiding, tired of missing Marcus. And I was mostly tired of being alone.

There wasn't anyone I could call though, they all hated me. I had run into them just the week before at the store. Instead of even being rude to me, they had just looked right through me. (The band ignored me that is, who knows what had happened to Imelia and Marcus.) I think they had been in another part of the store, but it was all I could do to get out of the grocery store without dropping my bags, let alone to go looking for them. I realize that the whole thing is my fault, but it still hurt nonetheless.

Marcus' best friend, Jaxson, was standing the closest to me. I thought I caught a glimmer of something in his eye, but it was gone before I could be sure. I always felt as though he wanted to ask me out, but he never did. And I never acted as though I wanted him to. I am only 23 years old and I am going to live with a lifetime of regrets. I go through each day just a shadow of a person. I go to school and I do my work. I go to the deli and do my job. That's it. I have no friends, no more hobbies, and no, not even a pet. Every day as I walk to my studio, I have to pass the room that used to belong to Marcus, but I don't go in there. I can't go in there. It's too painful and I don't need anymore reminders of my stupidity. He was the one thing I loved more than the very air I breathe. Now, each movement aches like my heart is breaking again. I don't know what I did to deserve him in my life as long as I had him, but I know that, like it or not, I'll never forget him and I'll most certainly never get over him. I suppose that the next time I see one of the band members I could say hello, but the rejection that used to be so commonplace only hurts that much more now. It would probably kill me now; I haven't much life left in me.

I was at the doctor's yesterday and they found a tumor on my spinal cord. Removing it will paralyze me, if it doesn't outright kill me. I opted against surgery or even treatment. I think my doctor wants to commit me, but I also think she understands. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with a reason to live and change my mind, but I doubt it very much. Next week I'll be going to the lawyers' office to draw up my will. Yes, I'm leaving everything to Marcus. How could I not? He was the love of my life and of all the things I have done and said the only thing I am going to regret is not having him at my side when I die...

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